Marriage: An Exhibition of Hope | Pastor Dylan Ciamacco

In this enlightening sermon, we explore the profound biblical principles of marriage and relationships within the body of Christ. Join us as we delve into the significance of marriage as a covenant relationship, mirroring the love and commitment between Christ and the Church. Whether you're single, dating, or married, this message offers valuable insights into understanding the purpose of marriage and provides practical advice for building strong, resilient relationships. We discuss the importance of vulnerability, forgiveness, and sacrificial love, emphasizing how these elements can transform not only our marriages but also our spiritual lives. Tune in to gain a deeper understanding of how God's design for marriage can impact your life and relationships. Don't forget to subscribe for more inspiring messages that will uplift and guide you on your faith journey.

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Transcript

 What a beautiful day we're having already, like Pastor Jake just said.

And I'm really, really excited to share about this.

So I didn't grow up in the church, right?

Ella, my beautiful wife and I, we started dating right after high school.

So she was 18 and I was 19.

And then we started going to church like right after that.

And I saw all these young people that were married.

And I was like, what's up with that?

 isn't that like for like 36 year olds?

Like how, you know, I had never seen all these young married people and they seem to be really happy.

It's like, oh, okay.

So it's good, I guess, because they're stoked.

But it was just weird.

You know, we're doing all this new stuff.

We're going to church.

We're like kind of competing against one another, like who's holier and all that.

You know, not that you guys would ever struggle with anything like that.

 So we've been together for 15 years and married for 10.

And I'm not up here sharing about marriage because our marriage is perfect.

Or has been perfect.

And we still got the pad going.

In Jesus' name, I'm going to preach the whole time with this pad on.

But I'm not here because our marriage is perfect.

Marriage is hard, dude.

And I remember seeing all these young people in church and they're married.

And then we got married.

And I was like, wait.

 why is this so brutal?

Like, nobody told me?

We're just like, and they're like, yeah, get married.

And I'm like, but now what?

This is crazy.

And I think if I were to look back and ask myself, hey, why are you getting married?

I couldn't really tell you.

I probably would have said something like, well, all these guys do it and they're in church, so probably a good thing.

I think it's in the Bible.

 it seems moral and to be honest, it seems hard and I'm kind of down with that.

I like to do hard stuff.

So I mean, let's, let's do it.

And eventually I was like, well, you know, what's the point in waiting?

Like if we're going to get married anyway, then we might as well just, just go for it.

So all that to say, I believe that why there's so much struggle and strife and challenge in our marriages is because we don't understand the why, which immediately informs how we stay and enjoy our marriage.

 Amen?

So I'm going to be talking about marriage today and also just our relationships within the body of Christ.

So this isn't just a message for married people, but I really believe we're all going to benefit from this.

Amen?

Let's pray.

Lord, thank you.

Father, thank you so much for welcoming us into your family.

 We're so grateful to be here.

We love you.

I pray that you would speak to each one of us today.

I thank you for already being here.

God, your presence is so tangible.

We love you, and we want to hear from you.

We want to understand you more, Lord, and I pray that what takes place over the next moments we have together would change our lives in the best way, that our marriages would experience healing, that our friendships would grow deeper, and that ultimately our lives would give you more glory.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Okay, so I got, I'll be honest with you, I got a lot to get through.

Like Pastor Jake said, this has been like a...

 I didn't like to start writing this message to preach today, right?

Like I started kind of compiling this stuff because our marriage has been hard.

And a couple of, like a few years ago, after multiple conversations with our pastors and going through a challenging season and really understanding the love of Jesus Christ more had changed me and our marriage.

And that's kind of what began this journey.

So again, there's a lot here, so I'm going to try to move fast.

I guess I'll judge if I'm moving too fast by the level of confusion on your face, okay?

So if you get it, give me one of these.

 So let's define marriage.

What is marriage?

How does our culture define it?

So I went to Google, obviously, and I said, what is marriage?

Marriage definition.

Here it is.

Ready?

The state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.

Okay.

Fair, right?

Then I said, why do people get married?

Google.

 People get married for various reasons, but primarily the motivations are love, companionship, the desire for formal commitment.

Additionally, marriage can provide a sense of security, legal benefits, and a foundation for personal growth within a relationship.

Ugh.

Are you tired of hearing me talk yet?

Dude, like how uninspiring and insipid is that sound, right?

Like those things may be true, sure, but like there's got to be more, right?

If we're going to like make this thing work.

So how would you define marriage?

 If you ask yourself, well, how do I define marriage?

I believe that that will inform and reveal how we treat our spouses the way that we do.

So one of the most, I don't have a ton of room up here, do I?

Okay.

One of the most famous passages in scripture, if not the most regarding the topic of marriage is in Paul's letter to the Ephesians.

So we're going to read that together.

If you have a Bible, it's in Ephesians chapter five, starting in verse 22.

 And it's a chunk.

It's like 11 verses, but we're going to read it together.

I'm going to read out of the ESV.

I love it.

We got our Bibles.

I love holding the Bible, don't you?

All right, here we go.

Ready?

Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.

For the husband is head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

 Husbands, love your wives.

How?

As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present to the church himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Therefore, pay attention to this.

Therefore, anytime there's a therefore, you should be like, oh, I gotta listen now.

Because he just told me a bunch of stuff, and now he's telling me why.

 Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife.

The two shall become one flesh.

This mystery is profound, and I'm saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

However, husbands, this is where it's directed, let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Okay, there's a lot there.

But Paul is talking about a husband and wife, and he's connecting it to Jesus and the church, right?

Okay, awesome.

So then let's say, what does Jesus have to say about marriage, right?

If it's about Jesus, what does he have to say?

So in Matthew...

 Chapter 19.

So we're kind of starting toward the end.

Like we're later in the New Testament.

Church is already existing.

Paul's like being an apostle.

And now we're going back to when Jesus was alive.

What did he say?

So in Matthew 19, verse 3.

And the Pharisees came up to him, Jesus, and tested him by asking, is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?

So this is interesting.

For any cause.

Like we think divorce is chill now.

In this time, a husband could divorce his wife for something like burning his food.

 It was that loose.

Just like, yeah, if you, so husband, you got all the power.

If you deem that your wife is no longer suitable for you because you have found someone better for something as little as burning your food, you can divorce her, right?

So that's why they're saying, is it, are you chill with this, Jesus, for any cause?

And Jesus answered, have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female?

And said, therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

You hear that again?

So there are no longer two, but one flesh.

What God has joined together, let not man separate.

 He goes on to say, like, hey, yeah, I get it.

But by the way, the book you guys love, like the Torah that you have memorized and all that, like, you're trying to ask me if divorce is cool?

Haven't you read in the Torah?

From the beginning, this was the deal.

And he says, Moses only allowed it because of your hardness of heart.

So is it allowed?

Okay, sure.

But it's only because your heart is hard.

That's not the original plan, right?

So obviously, Paul's saying, Jesus and his church, the two shall become one flesh, all that.

Jesus just said the same thing, right?

So Paul, quoting Jesus, but Jesus isn't a standalone either.

 Amen.

 Jesus is going back to like page three of your Bible.

Genesis 2, verse 24.

Check this out.

You guys like reading the Bible?

I hope so, because there's a lot more.

No, I cut a lot out.

It's okay.

So in Genesis 2, verse 24, I've been reading the ESV.

It keeps saying, hold fast to his wife, right?

A man shall hold fast to his wife.

I'm going to read out of the KJV for this one, because it uses a different word that's interesting.

Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.

He's talking about Adam and Eve.

 Just like they're married, therefore they shall cleave.

Now the word cleave is interesting because the word cleave shares two opposing definitions.

On one side, it means to split, like tearing apart down the middle.

On the other hand, it means sticking together.

So marriage is like two things.

It's like getting ripped apart and being stuck together.

If you're married, you say, yeah, amen to that, dude.

I feel that.

 What's cool, though, is that scientists refer to molecules as cleaving.

So they'll cleave two molecules, cut them in half, and then take a half of each and put them together.

But what's formed is a new molecular structure.

It's not the same as either of the old molecules.

It's a new molecular structure.

So when I meet people now, I'm like, yeah, cool, I'm Dylan, nice to meet you.

But you're not really meeting the whole me.

You're meeting some of me.

 But I'm so connected and one with my wife that this isn't a complete representation of me anymore.

Like, trust me, dude, I'm better than this.

I'm nicer than this.

You got to meet my wife.

You know what I mean?

 C.S.

Lewis actually describes this in his essay, The Four Loves, about even friendships.

So if you have three friends, A, B, and C, and you take away friend C, you're not just losing that friend.

You're not just losing their presence.

You're losing what they bring out of the other two.

So even in the body of Christ, we can experience the same thing.

So the Bible, it's painting a picture for us in marriage of unity, oneness, sharing in one another, communing.

 if you will, that's what marriage is and that's what God's designed for us.

And so by this language, we can see the Bible, God, has a really high view of marriage.

Which, if you're like alive in 2025, you'd see the world doesn't really have that high of a view of marriage.

And even sometimes we as Christians can not have that same view of marriage, right?

So, you know, naturally we should say, well then, like when, what about divorce, right?

 So, biblically, what's up with divorce, right?

There are at least three biblical reasons we'd get a divorce.

First, adultery, sexual immorality, right, that one.

The second one would be being abandoned by your spouse.

And third would be if they died, which, I mean, you're abandoned anyway, right?

Dude's dead, so you're kind of, you're just there by yourself at that point, so what's the difference?

Let me say this, though.

First of all, I have no intention of condemning anybody, right?

 At all.

God's grace is so good and has covered everything that we could ever bring to him.

However, I think if we're going to talk about marriage, it's important that we understand divorce as well.

And now, if you are going through something like that, biblical scholars have a lot of differing views on marriage, divorce, and remarriage.

And so if that's something you're walking through, we'd love to just talk to you about it.

It really requires pastoral nuance, and we're here if you're experiencing that, if you're contemplating that, if you have experienced that, whatever, please come talk to us.

Amen?

 Okay, so, but if you're in our culture, you have felt the tension around divorce, right?

You've probably heard, like, yeah, there's roughly a 50% divorce rate among marriages in the States, right?

Okay, check this stat out from Forbes.

When it comes to first marriages, 43% are dissolved.

About right.

When it comes to second marriages, 60% are dissolved.

When it comes to third marriages, 73% of them end in divorce.

 So, like, it's revealing to us this isn't really the answer to the problem.

Right?

 And if you've been around divorce at all, you've probably felt some of that pain, right?

Like whether directly or indirectly.

I know my friends and coworkers and stuff, they have gone through divorces, and I wouldn't have been able to articulate this.

But I had been looking at them as a source of strength, comfort, and encouragement to me in my marriage, just by their marriage existing.

 So whether you've experienced it because you have been divorced or your parents or whatever, I'm guessing each one of us has had some experience like that.

And it grieves us.

It grieves me in a really unique way.

And I wouldn't have been able to tell you a few years ago why.

Why is that pain in there?

And we're going to get to that.

And if you're married, and if we're being honest, not in a selfish, self-pitiful way, I'm guessing you have thought, maybe divorce would be best.

 Maybe my wife would be way happier if she wasn't married to someone as selfish as me.

Or maybe my husband could go finally, you know, follow his dreams if he wasn't tied down by me and the kids, right?

Because it's so prevalent in our culture.

But let me tell you, there's more for you.

Amen?

Okay, so then let's define marriage for us in our church.

So we believe marriage is...

 a lifelong, monogamous, heterosexual covenant union between a man and a woman.

Covenant union.

And it's even more than that, right?

But as a baseline, that's what we would say.

Now, the Google definition said the contractual relationship thing, right?

But contracts are different than covenants.

A contract is an exchange of goods or services.

I give you this, you give me that.

I perform this service for you, you do this thing for me, you scratch my back, I scratch yours, right?

A covenant is an exchange of persons.

 I give you me and you give me you, right?

It's a sharing in one another.

So we keep coming back to this idea, right?

And covenants are all throughout the Bible.

There's like the Edenic covenant in the garden.

There's Noah, Abraham.

And now we're living in the new covenant with Christ Jesus, right?

So let's talk about why it's a man and a woman.

Why does this covenant revolve around a man and a woman?

Okay.

Do you guys tracking?

 Give me one of these.

Okay, Genesis 127, right?

So God created mankind in his own image.

In the image of God, he created them male and female, male and female, male and female, he created them.

 What this means is that male and female are both representing the image of God.

He didn't choose one guy.

He didn't choose one woman.

He didn't choose two guys or two women.

He chose a man and woman in their distinction.

They're clearly distinct to represent the image of God, and they are the Imago Dei.

By the way, in the first chapter, when he's creating everything else, they reproduce according to their kind, the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, whatever.

But humans, you need a man and a woman to recreate the image of God.

 It's unique.

And I love that if you were here last week, Pastor Ward touched on this.

This is so dorky, but I'm obsessed with this Greek word, perichoresis.

Do you remember him talking about that?

Yeah, okay.

What is that, right?

So some of the early church, they used this word to describe and explain the relationship of each member of the Trinity to each other.

So we can understand perichoresis as the mutual indwelling of the Father, Son, and Spirit in perfect interpersonal communion, sharing.

 Right?

Always.

Always within one another.

Which means, like, I'm not me without her.

Right?

Which means the Father is never the Father apart from the Son and the Spirit.

Jesus Christ is not who he is apart from the Father and Spirit.

The Spirit is not who the Spirit is apart from Jesus and the Father.

So what's essential to who God is is a communing or sharing which cannot be done alone.

Our life is relational in the body of Christ and in our marriages because you are made in the image of God.

 And to properly image him, there needs to be more than one person.

And in the context of marriage, we're sharing in one another emotionally and, well, physically, right?

Adam and Eve, this is so cool.

Adam and Eve, at the same time, their covenant marriage is pointing back to the union and relationship of the Trinity and pointing forward to the union of Jesus and his church.

 That's why Paul says this mystery is profound.

I'm saying to you that it compares to Christ and the church.

So marriage, it doesn't exist for tax purposes or to build a political empire.

First and foremost, it exists to demonstrate and enjoy and take part in God's love and unity.

If you're like me, then I go, well, how?

I love asking questions if you couldn't tell.

So how...

 is this unity between Jesus and his church accomplished?

You probably haven't ever read this verse before.

It's a little-known verse in the Gospel of John, chapter 3, verse 16.

 It says, for God so loved the world.

So he's loving the world and he did it by giving his only son.

By the way, this isn't like some weird divine punishment or child abuse.

We just learned the Trinity shares in each other.

It's him, right?

So the God of the universe came here.

That's the point.

That whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Oh, that's a different translation.

Okay, cool.

That's fine.

Anyway, so.

 Let me read you this quote.

In Jesus Christ, we find that God will stop at nothing to bring us into the life and love that he is.

Indeed, he is willing to become what he was not, incarnate, you and I have skin on, like that, and literally spend himself in suffering, misery, humiliation, and death to secure us as the objects of his eternal affection.

Did you know God thought that way about you?

 that he, that you were the object of his eternal affection.

He chose to come reconcile our relationship by doing that.

 Praise God.

And so Jesus, his love actually shows us and gives form to what his love is through his life and death.

So we're going to look to him for his love to inform how we're supposed to love.

Amen?

So I have a daughter, Nellie, and she's five.

And you've probably seen her here if you've been coming here for a little bit.

She loves, maybe you've seen her.

I don't know.

She kind of just looks like a blur sometimes, just like running across because she's so fast.

Dude, I love her so much.

I can't even tell you.

She's like a little me.

And she's just full gas from the second her eyes open.

 The other day, she did a front flip over the couch into the coffee table and split her nose open.

I grew up doing extreme sports and jumping dirt bikes, and she's just, it's me, dude, in like a three-foot container.

But that being said, like, she can be hard to pin down, you know, and sometimes I want to be like, Nellie, you know, daddy loves you so much, right?

Like, you know that.

Like, I love you so much.

And she'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love you too, daddy.

I'm like...

 We did it.

Amazing.

It worked.

Only to realize I have my sunglasses on and she's not looking at me.

It looks like she's looking at me.

She's looking at herself.

Right?

I think we're sharing a moment.

She's like, man, I love me too.

Look how cute I am.

This is awesome.

And I always know because she keeps staring.

And I see her when she looks in the mirror.

It's the same stare.

 The point is that even in our relationship, sometimes we can have the same type of love.

Saying I love you, but what I mean is I kind of love what you do for me.

You're hot, and I'm not.

So it's good having this dime piece on my arm.

You know what I'm saying?

Or like, you're happy and I'm sad.

I kind of need some of that over here.

Or like, you're popular and you kind of give me a boost.

That's good.

I love that for me.

 And sometimes, again, that's what our love can be like.

We're the focus of our love.

But we see in Jesus that's not the case.

It's the opposite.

What we see in Jesus is that his love is sacrificial.

His love is serving.

It's doing what we don't want to do at times, which means compromise.

And love doesn't just feel good.

In fact, talking about him being incarnate in the flesh, he left the perfect heavenly dwelling.

 To feel stuff we feel, you know, like when your skin hurts or you feel anxiety or headaches, like he left perfection to do that out of love.

In John chapter 15, he says, and this is my commandment that you love one another.

How?

As I have loved you.

Yikes.

I don't know if you love like that, but dang, I don't a lot of the time.

So the sacrificial love that Jesus had and demonstrated is what we are called to do.

 Next question.

What does the love do?

If it's so great, why should I care?

Right?

What does this love?

Okay, Jesus.

Okay, cool.

So you're going to, you tell me to live this way.

Well, fine.

So what?

Why should I trust you?

Right?

What's, what's the outcome?

God's so good.

He's not just like, you know, you should just do it to do it.

No.

He said, I'll show you.

I'm going to do it first.

 John 17, the high priestly prayer before Jesus' execution on the cross.

He's praying to the Father, and he says, I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.

God's love makes us one with him.

 That's what sacrificial love has done for us.

The perichoresis, the union of the Trinity, Father, Son, Spirit, they're sharing in one another.

That's the Spirit that when you are saved and you experience salvation, say, yeah, Jesus, I recognize that you're Yahweh in the flesh, and I declare my faith is in you, and you are the one true living God.

The Holy Spirit dwells in you.

Well, how is the Trinity held together?

The Spirit, which means you are made one with the God of the universe.

That's salvation.

 And that's the oneness that we share in with God and that we get to take part in in our marriages and in our relationships in the body of Christ.

So think about the molecules.

They're being formed into a new molecular structure.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5, 17, "'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.

The old has passed away.

Behold, the new has come.'"

 This is what's happening to you and I. We're becoming a new creation through salvation in Christ Jesus.

Jesus holds fast.

He cleaves to us.

Our molecular structure is changed because we're brought into union with the God that created the world.

So when Paul is using this language, talking about Jesus and the church and marriage, he's saying, this is what our marriages reflect.

 If you get nothing else that I say today, get this.

Listen, your marriage is an exhibition, a living, breathing display of God's generous, joyful, forgiving, reconciling, inseparable, oneness-making covenant love to the world.

Our marriages say to the people around us, this is what the love of God is like.

This is what God's union with humanity is like, and this is what salvation is like.

 That's what your marriage does.

That's what your friendships in the body of Christ do.

What an honor.

What an honor.

We see why the Bible would hold marriage in such high esteem.

What a reason to fight for our marriage is that Jesus entrusted this bond to show the world, yeah, it's like that.

It's like that.

So yes, your marriage is for you.

Absolutely.

But it's for others too.

It's for those around you.

 Your marriage, you Christian, you man, you woman, you husband, you wife, your marriage is sacramentally giving visible, physical form to the invisible love and union of the God of the universe and between him and his church.

That's what your marriage is doing.

So when you and I feel like, dude, I got to forgive again?

I have to ask to be forgiven again?

I'm so ashamed.

How many times do I have to do this?

It's crazy.

We're comforted to know.

 Not only has someone done this before me, someone has done it for me.

He's done it for you.

And not just anyone.

The God of the universe.

Like those mountains, like those were made by someone.

The guy that made that is one with you.

And I believe this is why divorce hurts so much, back to what I was saying in the beginning.

 Because if marriage is a sign given to humanity to reflect and demonstrate God's love, divorce is a countersign.

And it's disfiguring the love of God because it's implying that God's love can be separated or disintegrated, which it cannot be.

And God doesn't break his covenant.

He doesn't change who he is.

God does who he is.

 if you hear that God's love is unconditional, let me explain that.

It could be a little dicey.

What that means is that God's love isn't extended to us because I did something.

There was no condition fulfilled by me for his love to be extended.

He didn't have to learn how to do it and think, oh yeah, I made Dylan, like I should probably maybe give him, let's toss him a couple bits of love.

You know what I mean?

No, God is love.

He didn't come up with it.

He just is it.

So naturally, it exudes from him.

But,

 To take part in the love, it requires a turning of ourselves to him and denouncing idols and our pride.

So just as the molecules become one, Jesus chooses not to be known apart from his bride, the church.

That's you and me.

Jesus was the offended party put up there by his own people that came to the offender and said, hey, I love you, I forgive you.

And that informs how we love.

 That's the thing that's meant to inform our marriages and our friendships.

But dude, are you like, I don't do that.

Are you like, yeah, this is cool and all, but like, yeah, I don't do that.

Just me, I guess, yeah.

That's cool.

I love that for you guys.

You don't even need this.

This is just for me.

Thanks for being here.

 Tim Keller says this, if two spouses each say, I'm going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage, you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.

Oh, we got it.

This means sin.

It's what it is.

 Our sin is the main problem in our marriage.

But let's get a little more specific.

Because I want to understand the why, but I love practical stuff.

Like, tell me what to do.

You know what I mean?

Like, what do I do?

So we see even in the garden that Adam and Eve, in verse 24, which we read about the cleave, the verse after that, it just says a little kind of toss in.

It says, by the way, they were naked and not ashamed.

Okay, chapter three.

You know, moving on.

What happens in the next chapter?

They sin and do what?

They cover up.

They hide.

 We are their descendants, so we do the same thing.

We have descended from them.

And that is one of, if not the most painful and threats, painful activities that we can do, behaviors and threats to our marriage, is the inability to be vulnerable.

We hide.

We don't actually show the other person what's going on.

Vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

 But vulnerability is a start to intimacy.

I don't know if you've felt that.

When you're honest with someone, how you start bonding with them.

I used to do a lot of bike rides before I had two young kids.

And what I noticed is that when you're out there suffering together for a long time, you're climbing these hills, you start bonding because you're both experiencing pain together.

 The vagus nerve, this is so interesting, in your body, we're just getting physical and practical.

So, the vagus nerve, which regulates your stress response, is calmed through safe connection.

Vulnerability in trusted relationships literally builds emotional resilience into your nervous system.

But we don't do it.

Why?

Because it's awkward.

And it's exposing.

Like, vulnerability's not saying, like, dude, you're being a jerk.

You're right, I probably was being a jerk.

But that doesn't expose you in any way.

 You know what I mean?

If you're married, if you're not, then I guess close your ears.

But if you're married, it would sound something like this.

You know, when you didn't want to have sex with me the other night, I felt rejected by you, and I've kind of been closing my heart off toward you, if I'm being honest.

Or maybe, man, you told our friends about that thing that you know I'm really not comfortable with.

I'm still struggling with that thing, and since then, I have not been okay with you.

 But without being vulnerable, we can't share in one another the way that we were designed to.

And sometimes we think, you know what?

God doesn't want me to have to do that.

He doesn't want me to have to be exposed.

Let me tell you, though, this is what vulnerability looks like.

Obviously, this is from a movie.

But we get it.

And some of us can be uncomfortable and be like, take that off, dude.

But this is what happened.

 to restore relationship with you and I. That was the extent that the creator of the universe went to.

He said, yeah, yeah, this relationship is worth it.

It's actually worth fighting for.

It's worth dying for.

It's being the most exposed.

It's being tortured.

It's worth dying a criminal's death, dude.

Sometimes, yeah, we'll leave it up for a second.

Sometimes, this is so crazy and graphic, I'm sorry, but it's just going to drive the point home.

 part of the beating process for criminals.

The God of the universe underwent a criminal's execution and death.

You've probably heard of scourging, where they would make a whip with leather cords, and at the end, there were pieces of metal and bone and glass, and so they'd whip them, right, on the way.

That's what our God had to endure.

And sometimes they'd whip their stomach, and it would rip it open, and their intestines would fall out.

Talk about being vulnerable and exposed.

Literally, your insides are outside of your body.

And Jesus said, yeah, that's worth it.

 That's what marriage is held to.

That's what the union of God and his bride is held to.

We can take that off.

Thank you, guys.

That can be a little bit of a dramatization relating to our vulnerability, but if we're honest, it can kind of feel like that, right?

 I've thought about it like this.

It's like there's a wall between us, right?

And the wall is composed of all this sediment and brick and rock, and it's sin, pride, pain, shame, hurt, trauma, all of this stuff.

And so we can't get through to one another.

But as we're vulnerable, the wall begins to come down.

 And a little bit of us can kind of come over the top and we start to share and go, oh man, this is pretty good.

This is good.

And we're more vulnerable and honest and the wall begins to come down and we really begin sharing until eventually it comes down.

And you know what Jesus did?

He broke down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility.

The temple curtain tore from top to bottom so that we could be united to him.

 The kicker though is that vulnerability doesn't just happen on its own.

No one can force you to be honest.

Your pastor, when you're talking to your pastor, they can't force you to be honest.

Jesus said, no one puts me here.

I allowed this to happen.

I'm in control.

You are in control.

You have to say, I'm going to be honest with my wife.

I'm going to be honest with my pastor.

I'm going to do that.

 We both must partake in this.

And here's another thing.

We die in different ways, right?

We have to die to ourselves.

Vulnerability is like dying to yourself, and we do it in different ways.

I die in a different way than Ella dies.

One thing that I've observed, this is going to get a little practical for a second, and I'm not saying this is straight across the board, but one thing I have observed is that men can tend to lean toward passivity.

Thus, women can tend to lean toward being controlling.

In the garden, we see this.

 God gave Adam something to steward and to care for, and he didn't really assume his responsibility.

We suffer from the same thing.

What I mean by passivity is this.

Look, I know how to engage my brain in stuff I care about.

Men, you know how to engage your brain in stuff you care about.

You have hobbies like your career or fantasy football or guitar or motorcycles or whatever, right?

But sometimes we can not engage the same in things that God has entrusted us to steward.

 like the mental, emotional, spiritual health of my wife, like the dynamic in our home, like my kids' education, things like that.

What I'm not saying is that it means the man has to initiate every conversation and lead and make decisions on his own, siloed.

Absolutely not.

We have experienced so much growth and beauty by having conversations together saying, hey, have you noticed this going on with Nellie?

Have you noticed our son Noah doing this?

Do we feel off right now?

 Yeah, we do.

And instead of being like, nah, I don't feel that.

Get out of this.

I think we're good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, then the wife's like, okay, so no one's leading this thing.

So who's going to do it?

She's like, I'm going to do it.

Someone's got to do it.

And then they do.

And then both people are upset.

It's awkward.

It's uncomfortable.

This passivity in men can sometimes lead to aggression.

We think men get angry and stuff because we're not actually communicating about what's really going on.

I'm not saying it's easy to do.

 And it can be learned because God knows I couldn't do that when we got married.

This has happened as a result of our marriage.

And that's what Jesus did.

He, as the husband, came and vulnerably took responsibility for the sake of union with his bride.

The good news is this, though.

The cost is high, but the beauty is higher.

We can't forget that it was the joy that was set before Jesus that led him to endure the cross.

 You know what the joy was?

The object of his eternal affection?

You.

Me.

Sharing in oneness with you and me.

And that's what we do in our marriages.

It isn't that we're vulnerable for the sake of being vulnerable, it's vulnerable for the sake of being one.

And that's the joy, that's the splendor, to go back to Ephesians 5, that we get to experience in our marriages and in our relationships.

And that's a part of sanctification.

Becoming like Jesus, becoming holy.

 Again, we're built for relationship.

I don't get sanctified just sitting in the drum cage alone for a week.

You know what I mean?

I've got to be in relationship with people.

I've got to be honest with my pastors.

I've got to be honest with my wife.

Those battles you experience, they're not an exit sign.

They're a welcome sign.

Hey, welcome to the kingdom of heaven.

Let's work on your sanctification.

Because if I'm being honest, Ella kind of married an idiot.

 Yeah, like really, like 10 years ago when we started dating, especially, I was 19.

I love all you young guys.

What did I know?

 You know what I mean?

But through the process of the spirit at work in her and at work in me, we have been given the gift of leading each other and loving each other into a sanctified way of life.

The point isn't having a perfect marriage that can, on the outside, look all good so we can post about it.

Like, vulnerability is not postable.

You know what I mean?

The point is living lives that are mature in Jesus Christ and showing his glory to the world.

 We aren't just married to make each other happy.

We're married to make each other holy.

You're married to make your spouse holy, which means like we don't just show up fully formed.

Like sometimes we think, yeah, man, I need a man who's just, who's going to lead me and who's going to wash me with the word.

Or maybe the guy's like, man, I'm looking for my Proverbs 31 woman, dog.

 Yeah, that's cool.

Are you the guy that's going to lead her though?

Woman, are you the guy that he's looking for?

You know what I mean?

Of course you're not.

None of us are.

That is God's chosen means.

Our marriage is the chosen means to allow you to be sanctified.

Where were you when God met you?

Man, aren't you glad God didn't say, well, when you're perfect and when you're up to my standards, then I'll extend the salvation to you.

 That's what God's love does in us.

He sanctifies us through being in his body and through being one to our spouses.

Back to the cross.

Jesus' love on the cross is saying, this is love.

Reconciliation is worth it.

The death to self, the discomfort, the vulnerability, the carrying of your own cross, the compromise, the doing things for your spouse that you don't want to, it's worth it because that's grace and that's the kingdom of God, the kingdom you were made to be a part of.

 Can we have the keys up, Tyler?

I'm going to end with just some practical, some even more practical stuff because I want us to walk away like knowing what to do here.

So as we get ready to close, here's just some interesting statistics, if you will, about what happens when we choose to stay married.

Some outcomes.

Married couples have higher household incomes, obviously, because there's two.

They build more wealth.

They have lower demand on public services and welfare programs.

 Married people, especially men, live longer, have better mental and physical health.

There are lower rates of depression, substance abuse, and chronic illness.

Children in married homes have higher academic achievement, better emotional and behavioral health, lower rates of poverty, teen pregnancy, and crime.

 there's more social stability, homeowner retention, there's higher civic participation, which means voting and volunteering, and there are better performing schools.

Hey, our vision statement here, the third point is existing for the good of the city.

You want to exist for the good of the city, fight to have a healthy marriage.

It's worth it.

It's worth it.

 I'm here to tell you your marriage is worth fighting for.

It's no wonder the enemy tells you it's not worth it.

Don't do it.

It's showing God's love to the world.

It's benefiting your neighborhood.

It's showing your neighbor what love really is, the love that matters most.

Of course they're under attack.

We don't fight against flesh and blood.

It's a spiritual battle.

And if you're only fighting your spouse, it's not going to work.

You have to stop and recognize, wait, we're in a spiritual war.

 And God wants to use you to get through it for you, but for others.

It was the joy.

There is joy in it.

Which means before we're going to rush to divorce, we should say, have I done everything I can?

Have I done what Jesus did for me?

Have I really done it?

It's worth it.

Have I talked to my pastors?

Have I let the body of Christ, my leaders, have I let them into this?

Because it's worth it.

Okay, this is really the end.

I keep saying it, I think, but this is really it.

Here are some steps at the end.

 how how do we do it remember the wwjd bracelets from the 90s that are like back like everything else from the 90s i was born in 1990 how crazy is that i feel so old now it's wild yeah that's the answer it's not the answer we want but it's the answer we need how would god love this person how does jesus think about this person

 That's what our love is meant to be.

We need a gospel lens that we see everyone through.

That I don't deserve a spouse.

I don't deserve to be in the body of Christ.

I deserve the wrath of God and to be separate from him.

That's what my pride and sin and rejection of God warrants.

But God, he so loved the world that he came and did that to reconcile us to himself.

So we have cross-shaped glasses on.

Which means...

 Ephesians 5, 33, husbands and wives ends like this.

Let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

So quickly, I'm going to blow through these at the end here.

Husbands and wives, the command's different.

Husbands, you love your wife.

That's how you die to yourself.

Wives, you respect your husbands.

That's how you die to yourself.

I'm not loving naturally.

I want to hide.

I want to be alone.

Honestly, I don't really want to talk to many people, right?

Including my wife about stuff that's emotional and vulnerable.

I don't want to do that.

But what do I want more?

 Do I want to have a life that I enjoy?

Do I want to treat my wife like she is created in the image of God and that this marriage is going to bless people?

Then I'm going to love her.

Wives, you're going to respect your husbands.

You're going to think in the vulnerability of him trying to step up and lead your family, is it going to be perfect?

No.

 But you're going to love him and you're going to respect him.

Our words aren't used to tear down.

It reframes arguments for us.

Here's a good one for you.

When you're in an argument, it's not to tear down.

You're tearing yourself down.

No one fights against his own body.

That's what Paul's saying.

I'm thinking, this is pointless.

I'm tearing myself down.

Who would do that?

You suck!

You!

Looking in the mirror.

It's insane, right?

No.

Our outcome that we go into arguments with is reconciliation.

 How does this lead to union and oneness?

And we do that with our words.

So women, nothing is going to cut your man down like disrespecting him or making jokes at his expense, especially in front of other people.

It's going to crush him.

You are his biggest cheerleader.

None of us are going to say it.

What we want is to know that you think we are the best ever.

That's what we want.

Your voice matters.

When I know Ella believes in me, I can walk through walls.

 Doesn't matter.

Because your marriage is the relationship that informs everything else.

So if your marriage is bad, doesn't matter how good everything else is, it's going to be bad.

But if your marriage is good, doesn't matter what's going on outside of it, it's going to be okay.

And ladies, not every time you talk is the time to talk about the relationship.

It's not.

Sometimes you just need to hang out and like do something fun, right?

Guys, sometimes you have to talk about the relationship.

 Yeah, that's crazy.

Like, do we spend more time with the boys or at the bar on motorcycle rides than we do with our wife talking about what's going on?

 Nothing's going to make your wife feel more unloved by you than you not making time to connect with her.

It's not just sitting in the same room all the time with the kids running around and being a little Tasmanian devil like is in our house a lot of the time.

No, we have to carve out time in the schedule to say, hey, we're going to be together tonight and we're going to talk about the vulnerable stuff.

We need to do that because our marriage is worth it.

Forgiveness.

This should go without saying, but we got to say it.

You and I, forgiveness reveals how much we understand the gospel.

 If we can't forgive, we're saying, like, I don't really get that my whole faith is built on the fact that I was forgiven by the God of the universe.

And that's what we get to practice next time you're in your marriage and you think, God, I can't forgive again.

We can say, you know what, Lord?

Thank you for helping me understand the grace that you have extended to me.

Help me forgive.

What have I done wrong here?

 Forgiving our spouses is one way that we can show others what the love of God is.

Love languages, you've heard of this.

Just learn their love language, dude.

It's simple.

We want simple stuff?

Do it.

We give love in the way that we receive it.

God bless you if your wife receives love in the same way that you give it.

I doubt that's the case, which means you die to yourself and say, I'm going to do this action so that you understand that I love you.

It doesn't feel like I'm loving you.

Did Jesus feel like this is so loving when he's dying?

Of course not.

 It feels like I want you to know.

Take the spirituality out of it for a second.

I want you to know I love you.

So I'm going to do the thing that communicates I love you to you.

And vice versa.

Before you know it, you're acting more like your spouse than yourself.

Your spouse is acting more like you than herself.

And we think, ah, what about my individuality?

Yeah, that, that's when it gets good.

Because you're not thinking about you anymore.

 then you're the most real version of yourself you could be because you're thinking about someone else and that's the image you are made in.

Have honest conversations with your pastors and your leaders.

Don't do it alone.

Invite them into it.

Our world hasn't changed because of that.

Look at the core of this.

We can only do any of this because the spirit of the living God is inside of us.

 It starts with salvation.

We need to be saved, to be brought into union with the God of the universe, have his spirit empower and lead us.

We're only going to be able to forgive that way to that extent when he's within us.

This is losing our life so we can find it.

Would you stand with me here?

So I'd love to pray for a couple people here as we get ready to close.

 First of all, like I said, salvation is the first step.

You need to know the God of the universe.

He's so good and he's so gracious.

And so if you want to respond to that, if you never said that, if you never said, you know what?

I recognize that there is a creator of the universe and I haven't declared that he is Lord.

I want to do that.

And you know what's on the other side?

Oneness with him.

Best decision you could ever make.

Second, if you're married and you're struggling, you need some help.

 which all of us are at some point, let us pray for you.

Let us come alongside you and pray.

If you've experienced divorce, if you're thinking about divorce, if you need some healing around the topic of that, let us pray for you.

Overarching, if something in this message spoke to you and you think, I would just love someone to put their hand on my shoulder and pray with me and remind me of the love of God, let us pray for you.

Let me just pray and we'll steal this moment and then we'll do that.

Lord, thank you.

Thank you for your grace.

Thank you for your presence here.

 We love you.

We pray that you'd heal us, that you would be with us, and that you'd continue to speak to us, Lord.

I pray that our marriages and our friendships would be blessed and give you glory in Jesus' name.

Amen.